Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Wish my Dog Was More like Bolt!

If you have seen the Disney movie Bolt, then you know Bolt is a serious ass kickin crime fighting super dog! Bolt has a “Super-Bark” and can shoot lasers out of his eyeballs to shoot down evil helicopters and shit like that. Bolt can talk and is bad-ass from the word go!

At one point in the movie Bolt finds out that he is not a “Super-Dog,” but merely a run of the mill mutt. He saves the girl in the end and thus is still pretty much kick ass.

Why do I know soo much about the movie Bolt? It may be that I have seen Bolt 15 times in the last several days because my boys love to watch our pirated DVD version of this blockbuster animated feature, or the morally correct answer to this question, I simply have an extremely good memory of when I saw it in the theater a couple of months ago. Whatever the case, the dog f-ing rocks!

Toby, my pooch, cannot “Super-Bark” evil-doers onto their back-sides, he cannot jump 100 feet in a single bound, he cannot work mathematical equations in his head to figure out the geometries of incoming missiles and thus hit them with his paws at that exact moment to deflect them out of the way of innocent victims. No…he cannot do any of these things.

Toby can, however, slobber on my nicely pressed work slacks, steal the boys peanut butter and jelly sandwich from their hand as they watch Bolt, shed all over the furniture, scratch our hardwood floors with his massive paws, leave huge landmine piles of poo in the yard, bark at absolutely nothing 2.3 seconds after the boys have fallen asleep, scratch my screen-door to smithereens & whack my son in the face repeatedly with his tail.

Although Toby does all the above things in his own annoying way, he also happily welcomes me home, warms me up at night, warns me when people approach my house, makes a great couch for B and separates me from all the hatred, pain and suffering the world can produce.

Now that I think of it, I can’t jump buildings in a single bound, shoot webs from my wrists, or bend steal with my hands.

Neither one of us has super powers, but we do our best and that is good enough around these parts. Toby and I will leave fighting the evil-doers to secret government agents. Who wants to deal with that? Besides, the laser powered blaster eyes are dangerous around the kids.

I’ll take Toby the way he is; lazy, slobbery and constantly begging for attention. Toby will take me the way I am; lazy, slobbery and constantly begging for attention.

If you could be a Super-Hero, who would you be?


  1. Cute dog. I have to see that movie.

    What superhero huh? I guess Batwoman because she'd have lots of cool gadgets and she marries Batman.

  2. Toby sounds like a fantastic dog.

    And I want to be Wolverine; the fact he drinks like a fish is a major factor.

  3. I. Being an older gent still enjoy all Disney animations. Toby on the other hand is a very real hero and that tail is a weapon. lol.

    I would be a Wolf. Ooops been called that.

  4. Blankman!

    Which makes me wonder: When prompted to name a superhero, why did a mostly forgotten Damon Wayans movie from the early nineties spring to mind first?

    Whatever happened to Damon Wayans?

  5. My littlest brother was like that with Toy Story. I swear I can still recite along with that movie, line-by-line. (There are 22 years between the two of us.)

    Hmmm... superhero? Whoever would let me be invisible. That's who I want to be.

  6. I have "You Make Me Feel So Young" stuck in my head now. Thank you for that. I had finally stopped singing it after they stopped playing Elf every other night on tv.