Saturday, January 17, 2009

New Parents Are Liars!

Before beginning this blog I would like to define what a “new parent” is to me. “New Parents" are those parents who still have trouble putting a car seat into a vehicle, or are grossed out by the visual of pulling a long, wet, nasty booger out of your kids nose and then proceeding to wipe that same booger on the inside of your khaki work pants because there just isn’t any other spot for it. New parents are those still enthralled by the miracle of life, and send out weekly email updates & photos of their 1 month old child.

I realized recently that when you are a new parent you are a freakin liar. When you have a newborn people ask how things are going, and you reply with some sort of B.S. answer like, “We are just so blessed right now.” Or, “We just couldn’t be happier with her/him.” He’s such a great baby.” We’ve lost a little sleep, but it’s soo worth it.”

New parents are f-ing LIARS! New fathers are by far the worst kind of lying new parent.
New fathers will say, “It’s been awesome, the whole experience.” And gaze into the baby’s eyes in front of mommy. I’m calling bullshit. I have two sons, one 5, one 2 ½, and I love them both, however, I’m likin them a hell of a lot more now than when they were 1 month old.

When you are the father of a 1 month old, you do not want to be left alone with that kid. They cry & shit and you have no breasts to give them to make it better. It’s freakin horrible. I’m puttin it out there. Don’t get f-ing suckered into thinking the miracle of life will have you tip-toeing through the tulips with Ann Geddes.

Everyone wants new parents to believe this miracle of life will begin at the birth and go on forever. Trust me, the miracle is when the kid can go potty alone, and fix themselves something to eat on a Saturday morning while you snooze. Now that’s a damn miracle.

New parents go from freedom to hell in one short day. Of course we don’t ever tell you that. Those of us who have kids keep this part a secret. It’s our little joke. We smile and say, “Oh…I’m soo happy for you, this is awesome!” The whole time we are thinking, “You are in for 6-9 months of hell!” The woman is more prepared for this hell of course, because they have had the little bastard inside of them kickin the crap out of their ribs for 9 months.

Here is my Child-Rearing Scale of Comfort:

1-6 Months – HELL
6 Months – 1 yr – TORTURE
1 yr – 1 ½ yrs - SEVERE DISCOMFORT
1 ½ - 2 yrs – INDIFFERENCE
2yrs – 2 ½ yrs – SLIGHT ENJOYMENT
2 ½ yrs – 3 yrs – MODERATELY FUN
3 yrs – 3 ½ yrs – FUN
4 yrs and beyond – VERY FUN

Today I had my 2 ½ year old and my 5 year old, and I can honestly say I had FUN. I am able to calculate this fact through the simple scale shown above. I have one child with a SLIGHT ENJOYMENT score on the Child Rearing Scale of Comfort, and one child with a VERY FUN score on the Child Rearing Scale of Comfort. The two together drives the overall score to either a HIGH MODERATELY FUN or LOW FUN. Today’s activities I am scoring a FUN.

The 3 of us went to another 5 year old’s Birthday Party where there was face painting, presents, other kids, cake, and alcohol for the parents. (Damn, I thought I could make it through a blog without mentioning alcohol.) The Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer was definitely a contributing factor toward making the day score a FUN on the Child Rearing Scale of Comfort, rather than a MODERATELY FUN. Another contributing factor was the fort we built together in the living room tonight just for the hell of it.

Today I was takin in by my son’s like a fine pair of trousers by the tailor. My meaning here is this, it takes time to get the trousers right, but after a couple of hem jobs and fittings, everything fits just right. You understand where the slight imperfections are, and hide them the best you can, but understand that the trousers just are not perfect.

I am now having so much FUN with my kids because they are in it everyday to have FUN. They have no other objective or rationale for the day other than to pursue the quickest route to FUN.

So if you’re a parent, take a hard look at the Child Rearing Scale of Comfort when answering the question, “How’s everything going?”

I am now, finally, at peace with my answer for today, “I had FUN with the boys today!”

The majority of new parents reading this will say, “This is not me, I love my baby so much, and I genuinely love every second with him/her.”

This is because New Parents Are Liars! Watching babies is brutal, admit it now! God will not punish you, he’ll embrace your honesty.


  1. //Trust me, the miracle is when the kid can go potty alone, and fix themselves something to eat on a Saturday morning while you snooze.//

    This. Is. Brilliant.

    Great post and it's 100% true. I don't love my kids any more than I did the day they were born, but I definitely enjoy them WAY more now than when they were little.

    Nicely done.

  2. this is an awesome post! very relevant to the one I just posted about how I'm tired of the blatant lack of honesty in parenting. Grr.

    Oh, and I'm famous for wiping boogers in the cuff of my pants- but only if the boy doesn't have pockets of his own. it was a secret i learned in the first few months of his life.

  3. Ha. ha. Too funny. I like being able to spoil kids only to give them BACK to the parents. ha. ha. Might be why I just have pets.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

  4. The details of this blog match perfectly to what I have deemed the "details left out of Hallmark's new parents brochure."

    My youngest sister is getting ready for baby #2, born less than two years apart. God help her. She has no idea what is in store for her. She has not even made it to the indifference stage with one and will now hit the reset button at hell with the new one.

    I have been to that place and was happy to see myself out...toughest 18 months of my life. This is my fav of your blogs so far.

  5. You nailed it! It's definetely not all sunshine and rainbows, but the good times definetely outweigh the bad ones. The thing I've learned most about being a new parent is that it makes you drink...A LOT! Cheers!

  6. It comes as no surprise that wordsmith of your talent could and did hit the nail on the head, lmao at these life changing truths.

  7. You are just brilliantly wonderful! A star, of your own crusty making..From Anonymous..or..JMGL

  8. Cute story. Makes me want to be better. Thanks for sharing. You are wonderful.

  9. Battle Beastmaster Specialization recommended talent points out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Iron Eagle Guardian.

  10. I like being able to spoil kids only to give them BACK to the parents.

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