My son received dozens of G.I. Joes for Christmas this year from his uncle. Upon seeing these Government Issued Joes I shrieked out a shout of pure joy. I remembered my own childhood memories and hours playing with my own Joes.
G.I. Joes are the coolest toy ever, and G.I. Joe was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid. Any boy growing up in the eighties knows the G.I. Joe cartoon theme by heart. The G.I. Joes of today are much larger than those of my generation, but regardless, they have the same win at all costs American attitude complete with the shotguns, grenades, bullets, Kevlar helmets, and camouflage attire.
Since Christmas I have been playing with the G.I. Joes with both of my sons, and since Christmas I have noticed something I had never noticed before. All G.I. Joes are 110%, no doubt in my mind, clear-as-day GAY!
That’s right, I said it…G.I. Joes are sooo gay. Have you ever looked at them? I mean really looked at them? Their hair is immaculate, they are perfectly proportional, and they have .25% body fat. No matter what shit hole country they are currently invading, at all times they have their hair perfect, and they are always cleanly shaven.
I have noticed another oddity while having these new toys around. Every night we clean them up, throw them in a box and go to bed. Every morning they are in slightly different positions.
There is on of two possible answers as to why these Joes are in different places in the morning than the night before:
1.) My boys get up in the middle of the night and make their way to the scary dark dank basement to play G.I. Joe while I dream pleasantly of the upcoming swimsuit issue.
2.) The G.I. Joes come to life while we sleep and have gay sex-capades in the basement while I dream pleasantly of the next Broncos Super-Bowl (Dozens of years off.)
I began to believe that #2 was the answer to my question, but I needed proof. So what did I do, asks the inquisitive blog reader? That’s right, I placed a camera at the scene of the suspected crime.
And what did I find at that suspected crime scene? All the proof I need, that’s what I found. Actual evidence that toys do in fact come to life like Toy Story when humans are not looking and do things no kid should see. Here is the visual evidence.
Disclaimer – the evidence shown herein is disturbing at best and should only be viewed by mature adults:
Now let it be known, I have absolutely no problem if you are gay, but it was extremely shocking! I have since kept Woody and Buzz away from the basement. The next thing you know G.I. Joe will have them tied up doing things to them you would never want to see. Lord knows what they would do to the Cookie Monster doll.
Although…come to think of it, I will let Bert and Ernie in on the action, they deserve it.
9 months ago